I Am Not From Here

I come from a land of milk and honey

I come from long sweet days where the sky is always sunny

I come from prophets and kings 

I come from heiresses and queens

I come from the BOLD and the FREE

I come from liberty

I come from royalty at it's finest

Simply put, my lineage is the mightiest

I come from the beginning of Science, Technology, Engineering, Math and ART

 My ancestors legacy is as bright as "burning sands" sketched in the memory of my heart

I'm in Him, He is in me; I'm in Her, She is in me ...slavery physically separated us but we'll never part

Because we were stolen from our land oh so long ago

Our tongues speak a language we thought we'd never know

No matter my language now, my soul remembers the kingdom I called home

Now I build a kingdom here based on memories, ancestral recollections, and dreams of my own

  Where the sound of.the drums beat loudly calling each of my ancestor's names.  I feel their blood, which is my blood, moving profusely through my veins.

I graciously thank the heavens for granting me this life-time, where I'm free to remember, resemble, and reenact the ancestors ways

I'll carry the precious tunes with me for the rest of my days

By:  Nikki Ruffin-Smith

"How Can You Mend A Broken Heart?"

I can think of younger days when to live for my life Was everything a man could want to do I could never see tomorrow I was never told about the sorrow   How can you mend a broken heart? How can you stop the rain from falling down? (tell me) How can you stop that old sun from shining? What makes the world go round?  How can you mend this broken man (woman)? (yeah) How can a loser ever win?  Somebody please help me mend my broken heart And let me live again...  Rev. Al Green 

The days after my mom passed were normal days, or at least I thought.  I hadn't really had the chance to grieve.  As a wife, mother, and career woman, grieving was the last thing on my mind.  Truly my heart hurt but hurting was something I had learned to put aside so many years ago.  Yes, I was wise enough to know though, the grief would come.  I knew it would come like a thief in the night taking me on a ride I had not prepared my mind, body, or soul to travel on.  I knew it was inevitable.  Again, I kept putting it out of my mind. 

About a year later to be exact, grief visited me.  Grief burst through my front and back doors.  At first it was like I had eaten something that didn't sit well on my stomach.  Then, a few weeks later, I got the flu.  Colds aren't something I get.  So, immediately I knew something else deeper was going on.  I remember visiting my older daughter one weekend, hoping to have a good time with her and my grandson.  What happened was totally unexpected.  When I went to bed the night I got there, I treated my cold symptoms with regular cold meds, like I had in the past.  Because of my rarity to get colds, over the counter meds worked very well for me.  I figured I would be all better in the morning.  That night I woke up though, to the most excruciating pain in my legs.  I had fever also.  I immediately thought I had pneumonia.  Just as soon as I could gather myself to take more medicine, my mind drifted to the day my mom was carried out of this very house, wrapped in a sheet.  My body violently shook!  I thought I was going to lose my mind.  I couldn't scream, for fear of waking the kids.  All I could do was be alone with my thoughts.  Be alone with my tears.   

I began to repeat: 

A Psalm of David. 

23 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. 3 He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake. 

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. 

5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over. 6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me All the days of my life; And I will dwell in the house of the Lord Forever. 

What else do you do?  You revert to what you know.  You reach for what you've learned would get you through.  I needed help.  I needed someone bigger than a person.  But...the funny thing was, I didn’t know if I truly wanted help.  I was in turmoil for sure.  Truly I was sick in body, spirit and mind.  Yet, part of me wanted to lay there in it.  I didn't see coming out of it as a blessing because my mom wouldn't be there.  I wanted her.  My heart was broken.  My heart was broken.  My heart was broken.  I wanted to be with her.  I wanted to die. 

I was/am smart enough to know, people die from broken hearts.  Did I really want to die? Maybe or maybe at that moment it really didn't matter.  Then again, I guess it did.  Who would look after my family if I were to leave?  Yeah, someone would but it wouldn't be me.  I couldn't bear the thought.  Knowing these things still didn't give me the strength to change my thoughts though.  I wanted my mommy badly.  As I cried out for her, the day started breaking.  I knew my older daughter would be home from work soon so I had to dry my tears fast.  How?  The pain was way too great.  It was no use trying, I had no will at that moment to do anything differently but lay there exhausted from pain and tears.   My baby came through the door shocked to see me wide awake with tears in my eyes.  Instantly she knew the pain.  

Her pain for my mommy was also rearing its' ugly head.  She came over and hugged me really tight. 

She said, "Mommy what would I do without you?  Gran Gran doesn't want this for you.  You have to 

get up.  You have to."  I told her I missed my mommy way too much.  Getting up was way too hard. 

She understood but told me to please try.  I got up then. I had to.  What mother wouldn't give 

her entire being in order to soothe her child?  I had to and I did.   

I thanked my daughter for being the friend I needed.  If she had not been there, I don't know what I

would have done.  There was more to our conversation that morning but those words are what really 

woke me up.   The day my daughter saved me is the day I began my healing.  

Now I refuse to die from a broken heart or anything for that matter.  The point of the story I suppose 

is to recognize, respect where you are, remember who and whose you are, and regain control of your 

wonderful life.  Ultimately this is what our loved ones want for us.  We all know, if they could come 

back to us, they really wouldn't.  They have crossed over to where we all will be.  Yes, you'll always 

have moments of sadness.  Those moments are normal.  Those moments show us we are humans 

having human experiences.  It's ok, just don't stay there.   

Choose to mend your heart. 

So it is Written

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Just before The Ten Commandments' opening credits begin, ... So it shall be written. So it shall be done. 

• You must check in With Yourself to Recognize and Weed Out Self Doubt 

  

Self-doubt can creep into your psyche without you even suspecting it’s there until the first niggling thought makes itself clear. You have to be aware of your thoughts and how you’re reacting at all times to weed them out before they grow and take over your creativity and destroy your goals.  Doubts can run wild in your mind, making you question your abilities about anything new or different. If you’re prepared, you can recognize the doubts for the lies they are and let your knowledge and common sense get you through.  When you check in to reality you’ll realize that the negative thoughts are occurring for various reasons. For example, you could be lost in comparing yourself with others. It may make you feel inadequate and doubt your ability to succeed. Make a firm decision and stick to it.   Here is a biblical example of doubt -  

3 Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the Lord God had made. 

He said to the woman, “Did God actually say, ‘You shall not eat of any tree in the garden’?” 2 And the woman said to the serpent, “We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the 

When self-doubt about what you’re trying to accomplish creeps into your thoughts, make a decision to either carry through with your goal or trash it and go on with something else you’re more certain of.  If you do decide to go on to something else, don’t think of it as a failure. It was a learning experience that taught you a lesson and you aren’t wasting any more time on it. If you decide to go through with the plan, take action immediately.   As we can see in the biblical example mentioned above, there was a lesson learned from doubt and then the final decision to eat the unforbidden fruit.  Yet, the decision was made.  Fortunately, the decision did not separate man from God permanently. 

  

Making a fast decision may seem impulsive, but most likely the decision is based on intuition and the knowledge that you’ve prepared enough for the journey ahead. You can always fine tune your plan as you progress. At least you’re taking action toward your goals. Replace negative self-doubt with positive thoughts. Choose any method that works for you.  Praying, meditation, journaling, affirmations, listening to music or reading a good book or simply chatting with positive-minded friends may give you the boost you need to move on.  All of us find ourselves dealing with self-doubt at some point in our lives. If you let it get the best of you by feeding into it and actually believing the lies you’re telling yourself, it can destroy even the best of intentions for success.   

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Virtual Book tour coming soon!

To get a signed copy of my latest book which supports girls of color excelling in STEM inbox me.

"Nya Knows Numbers"

1st book in the Quad STEM series

Also I am...
Proud to be a featured speaker at this event on Sunday, Nov 12th in Norcross, GA. Please come and support.
My topic is: It could have easily been me
Tickets are only $25
HTTP//bit.ly/honoringourvets
Proceeds go to help others dealing with trauma.